Shame Talking

By: CaspHer

November 19, 2017

First of all, I hope everyone is having a cool and relaxed week and is in the mood to keep relaxing.

I’ve got some unveiling to do yet again and I’ve got lots of things on my mind. I am turning some of my deepest hidden journals into online blogging. Unfortunately, I will not turn all of what I have been hiding from the public into blogs. Certain things will remain hidden forever.

Questions for you:

• Are some of you the kind that call out unfair treatment when you discover it?

• Are you passionate about anything?

• Do you dare to make changes when you see they are needed?

• Do people try to shame talk you or someone you know into sitting back and letting others step all over you or them?

• Are you a minority?

• Are you or do you know someone with disabilities?

Well, this is certainly for you if you can relate to any of what I have asked.

Predators are normally the culprits behind the shame talking of their victims and trying to keep them from speaking out about the horrible things being said and done to them. Shame talkers are also bullies and come in many shades, shapes and sizes and are often found in congress offices. Shame talkers are found everywhere. The predators are often fixed on the seemingly vulnerable people but are usually in for a hurtful and traumatic surprise from their victims.

While dealing with the situation of shame talkers and shame talking, it is always beneficial to avoid and have avoidance skills. I have learned that if you ignore people who are not a part of your movement, you are better off. The more they are allowed to bother you, the longer they stick to you and all that you are doing. Watch them act like fools while you ignore them and keep going with your day. You may ignore them but also watch your six. A lot of the victims need to keep an eye and an ear out for the predators that slither into their lives through new avenues. By other avenues, I mean; people you know and the connections you have. Try not to have the predators and shame talkers be around you when you are making plans or on the phone. These social parasites may ruin any potential opportunity you may have, anything that may allow you to succeed in getting away from these predators.

Some of the triggering characteristics of the predator is that they like to be the only one talking and in control of all meetings and calling all of the shots. They love to insert themselves where they are certainly not wanted just as long as they can hear themselves talking.

The shame talking will begin almost instantly if you are someone of different background from theirs yet you seem successful in their area.

Example: I have no background in politics or congress but I started some powerful legislation and it seems to be doing well in Massachusetts. Someone who has been there for many years sees me doing well decides to haunt me each day to tell me that what I am doing is bad. It is bad that I am passionate about disability awareness training. Because I lack background in politics but still doing well, I am expected to fail and do miserably. I did not ask for his help, therefor any and all of what I do should not go well. Unfortunately, his perceptions of me with all of my disabilities and being a woman were drained instantly. I am a strong human being and could do just about anything anyone else without disabilities can do. He noticed publicity taking off about my bill that has not passed yet but he wanted to unhinge any and all good things.

THE BEGINNING:

Earlier this year after I came back from Minnesota in March of 2017, I decided to speak with my legislator about some new legislation. I figured since Massachusetts was the beginning of many great things, I believed Massachusetts would be a great foundation for my idea as well. I grew up in Massachusetts and lived in Minnesota for a while but New England seemed better fit for now. Despite the fact that Minnesota is awesome in their own way, this legislation idea had a better chance in Massachusetts due to its rich history and my familiarity with it. I’ve visited both state capitols in one month and they’re both amazing. I started some legislation in Minnesota but decided to put it on hold while I flew away to my home state Massachusetts, while I was there in the twin cities, I got connected with lots of wonderful people at the state capitol, we are still connected by the way. Once I got everything started, my state rep in Massachusetts assigned my idea for legislation a bill number. Between April and July, I had a few meetings at the state house as a constituent, I was seeing a lot of that building by June.

THE MIDDLE:

By June, I landed an opportunity at the Massachusetts State House with a cubical and a computer that was readily accessible to me due to my blindness. This opportunity opened up right after filing a complaint against a regional supervisor at the Massachusetts Commission for the Blind. Their staff member has an awful reputation for talking to women like they are sluts and bags of smelly trash, also has a hard time keeping his hands to himself. He believed that because he is blind that it was okay to open his mouth and release his toxic negativity into my direction. After he slandered Pine Manor College’s name by repeatedly blubbering, “Pine Mattress” I reported him to an agency above the commission for the blind. Feeling totally violated by an old blind predator, I restored myself by writing a letter to the agency having them promise to never let him into my meetings ever again, for as long as I am a resident of Massachusetts. I promised that if he ever uttered another word to me again, I would oust them to the media instantly. They made him send an apology letter saying he was sorry for what he said about Pine Manor and me. Did you really think someone like that is truly sorry? Not a cold day in hell would I have taken his pathetic tail seriously. That letter lives on a shelf near other books collecting dust just like him. He offends any and every person he comes across the moment he steps into a room and opens his mouth, which is part of his problem! He entered my meeting with all intensions of starting trouble with me but it ended differently. This meeting in June was intended to meet a new case worker and continue the summer, not get harassed and insulted by an older blind person. An interview was set up at the Massachusetts State House, during the interview, they asked me when could I start working with them, if I had time to start that day. Unfortunately I could not start working because I had a ride coming for me and I did not have an accessible computer ready. Days later, I was given a cubical and my computer was set up, I had my braille displays set up with a phone at my desk and all. After the official day of working and getting things in order, I had already blasted through a week’s worth of tasks and projects.

Baking hot July 7th came around and I found a letter in the mail from the House of Representatives of Massachusetts saying that my bill had been filed. To think that something that was once a simple word document on my personal computer became recognized and become legislation; I was stunned and couldn’t believe what I found. I’ve never done anything like that before but here I was standing in the office posing for a photo with my bill in hand. Later that day after the photo, I got to meet attorney general Healey in the halls of the house. In the middle of speaking to her briefly, her aide came and gave me his contact card to continue our talk which I did. When I returned, the shame talking started from the supervisor that overseen me and a few others. He saw that I was happy about my legislation and decided to slither into the moment of my deserved excitement and ruin the moment. He began to tell me that what I was doing was not good and that it was not going well. He compared the simple expression of excitement I gave to Kanye West which was absolutely foul and uncalled for. After that comparison, he was needing a snarky response which he got instantly. He was rude to me and I instantly gave him a dose of his own medicine without thinking twice, starting off with doing what I needed to do, getting my work done.

He realized that he was not getting any more reactions from me which lead to him focusing on bothering me for the rest of the week and the following weeks. He was often caught shoulder surfing at a distance to see what was going on in my computer. After I found that out, I turned my screen black while I could still use JAWS screen reader for the blind. He inquired about wanting to learn my technology and I simply ignored him, he never spoke of the blindness equipment I used again. All of the screens to anything I used around him were turned off and operated with braille displays and audio output with increased speed, I was fully aware of how paranoid it made him.

I found a copy of my bill ripped from the wall above my computer and he was the only person that could have done something like that. Everyone else was cool with my posting things on the wall near my computer even if I couldn’t see it but I felt the rip near the bottom of the page. I never removed the paper with the rip. I let it stay there so everyone else could see his jealousy against me on that piece of paper.

A few weeks later, state house news heard about my legislation and decided that they wanted have an in-office interview with me about the bill. I agreed to do the interview without informing the supervisor because this was not concerning him or the office at all. This bill was not connected to any of the projects I had been given to complete. All of my work was done and I did the interview without him around. He was the kind of person who always wanted to hear himself talking and be in control of anything that allowed another person to be noticed. I hated him a lot at the moment and even more as the days went on. Any of the days that he was not around was pretty good and I was allowed to feel somewhat comfortable, hoped he stayed away much longer. Any of the offices that called to speak to me, he needed to listen in on another phone nearby so I gave them my cell phone number in respect to our privacy.

As I left the building to go home, state house news came out with their cameras and took photos of me for their articles, I suspected he was lurking somewhere in preparation for a new day of intense shame talking to me any chance he got. As any other person would, I spoke to my mother about this predator and she and my friends agreed that he was indeed a “hater”; for sure. I was absolutely right about my first gut feelings when me and this shame talker crossed paths. He emitted the dusty aura of someone that liked to take advantage of seemingly vulnerable people.

If you suspect someone has a cloudy dusty aura, please go with your first gut feeling and keep them at bay if you can.

THE END:

August 15 came around and I was surprised by the House of Representatives and given a citation for all of the work I was doing. When I appeared at the office to go into my separate space, there were a group of women sitting around at a table. I left them to their conversation as it had nothing to do with me. One of them stopped and said, “Hey! You’re the woman I just saw on the newspaper downstairs” and she shook my hand as did the others. I kept my large citation nearby and headed home instead of staying the rest of the day. I figured I would ignore him some more and enjoy the much deserved excitement that I worked hard for. When someone is presented with a citation from their state house, that usually means they’ve been involved for years. I had only been there for a short period of time, already, I was getting praises and recognition. I received all of the attention that the shame talker wanted for himself.

I did not go home and party like it was 1999. I went home, put on my sweatpants and took a lovely nap on the recliner. My family was happy about my achievements as well as my friends. As the days went on, I noticed more news articles in the Boston area were posting my photos as well as the organizations that provided my ASL interpreter. The other Massachusetts government offices saw the articles and contacted me as well. During that time, the state house was on recess and so was I.

Dumb Is The New Smart

First off, I am a proud deaf-blind woman of color and if someone feels intimidated by that, that’s all their own problem and I don’t care.
Second of all, everyone is allowed to feel great about themselves and their level of confidence despite their differences. 
One thing i certainly would never allow to exist around me is someone insulting me and telling me that I can’t learn anything. I do not believe there is one person on this earth is literally unable to learn anything at all. We have worked so hard to build our confidence as humans in general but for some small-minded and petulant flee bag to come denigrate that is not allowed to happen. 
I’ve got some unveiling to do and it’s happening with or without any validation. I’ve gone through all proper channels to resolve these issues. I’ve grown seriously sick of these people many yesterdays ago.
This all started over fighting for an informed choice to attend a training center for the blind in another state. When I proceeded to fight for what I was allowed to ask about, you began to use such hateful language and attitudes toward me for wanting to enhance my blindness skills. When I got what I was fighting long and hard over, you’ve made it your business to make my experience miserable which you’ve failed time and time again. You were upset when you heard that I was doing better than you believed I would. You pulled the plug on the funding for my experience while Minnesota picked up for Boston’s inability to fulfill the requirements needed to fund a training experience. You thought that pulling the funding would cause me to lose out but I did not! I came out on top and still, I overcame your tailor made problems. 
You hold a grudge against me for not being allowed to step all over me, try to treat me like I am less than and not good enough has your thongs in a hunk, man! You were upset that I reported you to CAP ( Client Assistant Program) in Washington for your filthy “Pine Mattress” remarks at the Massachusetts Commission (For) Against the Blind’s office, you got busted and now you’re all mad. Yes, i said it. The Massachusetts Commission against the Blind has some particular individuals verbally insulting clients any given chance. I have spoken loudly against this mistreatment and carried out all the way to Washington RSA about this issue. This repulsive individual that seems to offend anyone with his appearance has slandered an institution’s name as well as mine continuously. 
Now that I have gained very flexible connections to the Massachusetts House of Representatives, you’ve fallen away with your verbal assaults toward me. You’re even more upset because everything you’ve done to make my experience as a client of the Massachusetts commission against the blind nothing but miserable. Once again; you’ve missed me with your filthy bullet of hatred. You and your puppet-boy friends in the office want to know who I know but I will not reveal that since I’m too dumb.  
You had to write an apology letter for your “Pine Mattress” insult in May and I held your face to the fire for a long time. I hope you regret saying that in my face as you probably thought I was too stupid to hear what you said. I heard you loud and clear on all three times you’ve slobbishly repeated, “Pine Mattress” in hopes of others joining in on the bashing of Pine Manor College’s name. No one joined you. Everyone was smart enough to keep their lips shut and let you get third degree burn for name slandering. You sat in your seat and shuttered like a perverted creep and repeated that over but no one joined you at all, you continued to probe with your insults. I had a surprise the next day. The Massachusetts office on Disabilities and CAP were on your phone asking you to never cross paths with me again or even say my name again. Yet, you still have my name in your mouth, breathing my wonderful name tied with insults. 
I want everyone who reads this to know that you are too deserving of good things despite your differences. If someone or a group of people do not think you’re of higher caliber or deserving of good things, just remember all of what it took to get that confidence level you have now. Do not let someone come from wherever they came from to tell you horrible things because they think they wouldn’t get away. Make them regret ever coming your way with their stupidness. 
REPEAT AFTER ME:
I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO DO THE THINGS I WOULD LIKE

I AM SMART ENOUGH TO DO WHAT I SET MY MIND TO

I AM WORTHY OF GOOD THINGS JUST AS ANYONE ELSE IS

Have a good day! 

HAVING CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF AND RECEIVING COMPLIMENTS FROM OTHERS

ByCasandra Xavier

How do you feel about yourself? How do you feel when people compliment you?
I’m a young African American woman who is also educated. There’s a few things about me that others may not know. I am exposing these things about myself because I want to resolve them. I’ve been told that I’m an attractive person by both sexes. Im a confident person but I don’t coo over myself like most women my age do. I don’t walk around exposing any skin and I would never ask another person, “Hey, do I look sexy?” because I’ll hear it flat out. I’m not conceited either but I know when I’m certainly looking appealing. I pay attention to the way I appear to others. To me, I just want to look like a human being. To others, I’m hot, sexy, gorgeous and all of the above. 

In total honesty, people make me blush every single time I get compliments. The blushing makes me want to vanish into thin air. It’s so bad that they see me blush. Because they see that happening, they do it on purpose in order to make their day complete if they’re around me. I’m 27 years old and I have a hard time accepting compliments about looking attractive. I feel like the times I blush so hard, it’s transpires through the phone. I need to bury my whole existence into a shadow. They’ll seek me out to keep the blushing up.

I was at a wedding party and I was surrounded by folks and a woman came along to compliment me. As soon as she did that, everyone noticed and I uncontrollably blushed. She saw me blush and thought it was “cute” and kept it up. I wanted to disappear because everyone noticed and the compliments came pouring in. I’m a fedora hat and feather wearer and that grabs all eyes from both sides. Wherever I walked, the attention grew on me. I figured I’d stop moving around when people wanted to be on my arm or vice versa. In other words, if. I kept moving to different parts of the area, people would notice me more.  

I don’t mind the compliments because people are free to speak their minds. It goes one way or another. Everyone would either swarm around me or they don’t even notice me. The times I go unnoticed are the times to be cool. 

If I were married, I’d be a problem to my spouse. Either they’d be happy to see that I’m still attractive or be jealous. I don’t know how I’d feel if I had a jealous or proud spouse. Maybe I’d blush until my cheeks lit on fire. 

Lately, I’ve been attracting folks more than anything. They’ve all been cooing after me and wanting to see me without my sunglasses. I’ve been trying to stay tough about this but parts of me wants to squirm and vanish. I wear sunglasses because I don’t wear my prosthetic eyes. I’ve been comfortable without them and just wearing sunglasses. She made every attempt to catch me without my glasses and see my bare face. One day after months, she got lucky by surprise when I was not expecting. I didn’t care. She was happier than someone who won a lottery of a million dollars over catching me without my sunglasses. On the inside I am squirming and wanting to vanish. The compliments fell in like a hail storm in the middle of winter. All I heard was, ” ooooh my goodness! You’re so gorgeous!” That time would’ve been a perfect time to disappear. 

My skin glows to those who describe me, I have a chocolate brown skin color that glows. The radiating glow is what attracted many men and women who get a good look at me. I have long dreadlocks that reach the end of my back, there’s a brownish red color on the ends. During the video chat, my skin and “prettiness” was the main and only subject at the start of the conversation. Please do not take this as if I am being self absorbed because I am not. 

I’ve never been swaddled in compliments so much in my life. It was mind blowing and of course, I wanted to vanish. I’m surprised that I have not melted yet. 
Some folks only get on FaceTime with me just to see my “radiating” and “glowing” face. Either they’re saying it on purpose or they mean it. I could never tell if someone was flirting. That is also one thing about me. I can’t detect flirting for the life of me. It’s the most awkward feeling ever when trying to know if someone is flirting. I’m the person that needs an outright approach. Otherwise, I’m bathed in perplexity about what’s going on. I’d want to vanish into thin air. 
While living in Minnesota, I would be in downtown Minneapolis with a few people streaming across the street behind me. These are complete strangers as men and women talk about how pretty I am, telling me that I am too pretty or good looking to be blind. Yes, I am furthermore interested in my travel skills than I am about how I look. I could easily say, “I am a good damn traveler, I could go anywhere I want in the world” but would not brag about how I look. I’m more concerned about how smart I am and how much information I retain. I’m more concerned about being glad to say that I am good person 98% of the time. The two percent was from being grumpy in the morning, someone talking to me through my slumber and I wake up to grumble at them. I ask them to leave me alone, wait until I get my Starbucks coffee. Even after my coffee, let it settle in for fifteen minutes before coming near. I’m more concerned about being able to succeed in a world designed for sighted people. I’m worried about everything else but being cute and sexy. The looks don’t remain the same but the interior structure of your heart does. 
How do I look? 

I’ll ask the question to myself and never out loud. I’ll say I look and feel very good on the inside, that would carry on to the outside. 
What’s the first part of your face someone would compliment? 
I want you all to think about this the next time you speak to someone either over the phone or through video chat. 

I take care of myself and I keep up with my hair and appearance. I’m not a dress or skirt lady. I wear slacks and shirts that cover. The last time I wore a skirt was for my 21st birthday. That night was a night never to be forgotten. I had random lap dances coming out of nowhere. The club shut down early for the night after some guy tried to fight another guy over a lousy dance with me. This incident was in Boston during the summer. So, I decided to rock the jazzy appearance which consisted of being fully clothed and cool. Dressing well is what saved me from the random lap dances and bar fights. I’m honestly not saying this to exaggerate anything. I am being absolutely honest. I stopped going to nightclubs because I needed someone by my side at all times for security purposes. People were getting too grabby. 

If you and your friends or sisters needed to be escorted to your car each night you partied, you probably should consider no longer going out to party in the clubs. I guess it would be time to host your own parties with people you know. 
This is a slight exhibition of how I feel about compliments and having my own confidence. I would like to hear your stories and read into your perception. 

HOW MUSIC BECAME PARTS OF ME

How Music Became Parts Of Me

By: Casandra Xavier

May 13 2016

Boston, MA

I grew up in a unique setting and surrounded by music at all times. I grew up listening to Sade a lot of the time at the age of seven. How? My sister was in high school and had like large collection of music. She had all of Sade music and I heard her playing it one day. After hearing the Sade song, “No Ordinary Love” I wanted to hear more of her work. The sound was captivating for the first time at that age. The hominy was great. I did not understand the lyrics and I was not supposed to anyway. I was a very curious kid at the age of seven and eight years old. I grew up with blindness and deafness which meant most of my world was tactile. In fact, I was born with congenital blindness and deafness. My world was instantly different. Anything that sounded or felt interesting, I would return to it again.

I asked my sister who the singer and she told me. I wanted to experience the sound of the song again. She played it a hand full of times until she got tired of me listening to the same song again. I listened to all of Sade’s music and experienced an awesome musical trance right away.

I got older and started noticing what happened in the musical lyrics. Some of it sounded very innocent. When I created a play list, Sade and many others like her were added to my collection. As I entered my twenties, I often found myself listening to similar artists because they created the same comfort in music for me. My friends would ask me how I found out about the stuff I heard at such a young age. I grew up with it all blasting in my ears all day and every day. My mother did not like me listening to that type of music but she stopped trying to stop it. My mother believed the music I snuck to hear was too sexual but I did not care. I remembered my mother and sisters complaining and saying, “You’re only thirteen, what do you know about Sade and Marvin Gay?” We were still into the large stereos and multiple speakers in the early 200’s which meant my room was always thumping with oldies.

Of course, being who I was, I listened to them even more because I knew they did not like the type of music I played the moment I got home from school while doing homework and chores. I played the music loud because of my lack of hearing and I basically had all of the music they didn’t like playing all day long. I even got access to Luther Vandross and Anita Baker. I felt like a completed old soul, totally content with music that existed long before I was born.

I often wondered how the influence of the music I listened to would cause any damage to me other than the volume being too high for my already horrible hearing.

 

I wondered why parents refused to let me hear music that did not have profanity of any kind in it. Could there have been any weird stories hidden behind the music. I liked? I did not hear anything about the musicians other than the fact that they were humans like the rest.

Whenever someone had a major event happen to them, music was always associated with it all.

For me, music was always my “go to” for anything major and not so much of any small events in life.

The day I started college, the first song that played in my mind was, “Missing” by Everything But the Girl. Strangely that day, I felt a wave of sadness hit me like a ton of bricks. I started missing people and places once I got situated in the dorm. So, I packed an overnight bag and came home for the first weekend of college. I was starting at a women’s college but that was not the reason for the sudden wave of sadness. I was overwhelmed and beyond stressed that day. Not to mention, I got flashed by someone through a window. This mysterious creature called my name and then showed me her breasts pressed against the window. I scowled at whatever they said and did. My brother was my eyes and saw that. I told him I was not spending the night. It was far too much in one day. By the way, during my run for the shuttle off campus, my soon to be best friend Miracles was running with me to find out what was wrong. To her, I looked upset and she wanted to find out why. At the time, I was not very opened to speaking to anyone so I didn’t talk to her until I came back the following Monday afternoon. She remembered me very well and made it a point to speak to me when she saw me leaving my room.

I missed the music studio I used to visit and wouldn’t be doing that because of the academics I committed my time to and the folks I hung out with over the summer.

When I first attended a school for the blind and was once again overwhelmed, the song. I heard was, “Couldn’t Cause Me Harm” by Beth Orton and because I liked the song. Music finds a way to incorporate its way into my life in any way that it can. Plus, I always have music playing in the back of my mind. I am okay with that because I am musically inclined in some small way. My brain is wired differently than the rest of my peers anyway. There is always music there, I am always thinking of ways to alter and perfect a sound I hear. The experience at a school for the blind was a very different and unforgettable moment. It was not like college where everyone else could see and I couldn’t.

When I was going to Minnesota to attend Blind Inc which was one of the best schools for the blind ran by the National Federation of the Blind, I heard, “Lucky-Star” by Madonna. It was a burst of energy through the sound which was what matched my feelings toward Minnesota. When I finished training, I still felt the same burst of colorful and good energy coated with a tinge of sadness because I was leaving. The song I heard when I left Blind Inc was, “Heaven” by the one and only Kem. This is a good thing as I associate music to experiences at times. The saxophone in the song made it a lot better for me. I remembered asking my classmates what songs they were hearings when they first came to Minnesota or Blind Inc. Some people surprisingly said nothing. I wondered how someone walked the earth not hearing music in the back of their mind. Then again, they might be musically inclined to any degree or had different brain wiring. I promised that I was not on drugs through any of these major events in my life. I was simply being Casandra. I was well received in Minneapolis by most but a small number did not like me because of how “unique” I was and stayed true to that.

Some say that my wiring is genius and some just don’t understand the musical association part of it. I am an artist first and everything else last.

I’ve met some people who could see colors or shapes in people’s voices but that’s a totally different thing that happens with some folks.

I am aware that there are some kids that are influenced by music and they’ve had to seek therapy for the issues they deal with. I found a small piece of credible source from a therapist named Claudia M. Gold M.D, “Recently in my behavioral pediatrics practice I saw James, a 5-year-old boy (details, as always, have been changed to protect privacy) who struggled with severe social anxiety. The lunchroom and gym were particularly difficult, and he would retreat into silence. In a visit with his parents we were discussing how to approach the teachers about making him comfortable in school. We had a full 50 minute appointment so we were, in a sense, free to let ideas emerge. That’s when his father observed, “You know, he loves classical music.” His mother described a recent outing where there had been a lot going on and James was quite agitated. But when someone put on some classical music, James became completely calm and seemed at peace”.

In my earlier years, I found that listening to music helped me concentrate on my school work when I became slightly anxious. Even as an adult, I still find music comforting in the middle of large tasks in or outside of my home. I have always associated music to moments and an assistive tool to getting through certain tasks.

References:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/child-in-mind/201109/music-children-and-brain-development

JUST BEFORE LEAVING BOSTON FOR MINNEAPOLIS…AGAIN

Just before leaving Boston for Minneapolis…Again

By: Casandra Xavier

April, 25, 2016

Just a little background on me before going any further. I was not born in Boston Massachusetts and I was not raised in Miami Florida. I am originally from Miami and I grew up in Boston and went to school, lived a large majority of my life in the city of Boston. Ever since I went to Minneapolis for a while, I have enjoyed it. I would almost consider Minnesota my second home away from home. I’ve made my experience what it was and that consisted of greatness. While I was there in Minneapolis, I’ve gotten used to the layout of the city and their transit system. I liked what I found and I discovered a lot of their APS systems and found it easier to navigate. Once I came back to Boston, I’ve never felt the same. Boston was missing something and was incredibly intense for me the moment I boarded the aircraft. The traveling systems between both states differed greatly. I believe they could trade some pointers. Due to the introduction to a different and wonderfully unique setting, I found myself wanting to return to the twin cities and remaining there forever. I bounced around the globe pretty much like a ping-pong ball. Not a day has gone by where the last state departure was on my mind.

I received a letter in my email talking about finally making the streets of Boston safer for those who are disabled as they try to cross a street. I remembered being part of that movement. I remembered the constant State House visits and speaking to people that were hard to get. I got my message across and they took me seriously and actually tried to make things work. After several calls and visits, I got calls that my requests were granted. I wanted more of the Boston streets to be more accessible. Me and hundreds of people wanted to be able to cross the street without the fear of getting ran over because the APS signals were not meeting our needs. The APS acronyms are shortened for Audible Pedestrian Signals. I have gone to Perkins listening sessions to let that concern be known. I told them about my experiences and how many people would be happy to no longer fear crossing streets. I did not want to make this all about me. I kept this as a general topic as it should have been.

During my time at the state house in March, I spoke to a few legislators about the current accessibility issues a lot of blind and visually impaired individuals come across, during the conversation, we were exchanging contact information so that the issues could be fixed. While I I spoke, there was a man from the Boston area as well who came to advocate. As I patiently listened to him speak, he went on a total rampage and went far off topic. He was wasting our time and his own time as well. I realized some of the legislators were getting tired of him and started offering him lots of chocolate without wrappers to help shut him up a little. We all thought we’d get away from this overly loquacious man but the chocolate didn’t work. Instead, he was fueled on by the instant sugar high. I’ve met this talkative man before and I have never had enough ear to listen to him talking for days on end. However, someone else had to interrupt him once he retrieved a pair of worn sleep shades from his blazer pocket, while he did that, he also handed the legislator his white cane as well. Mr. Talkative said, “Here, put on my shades and lets go cross State Street and let you get an idea of how it is to be blind,” I felt everyone’s attention turn to the guy that wouldn’t stop talking. I interjected instantly, “Sir, now is not the time and nor are you a certified O&M instructor to be asking him to simulate blindness. This is a critical time right now,” I heard others agreeing with me because we all wanted and needed to move on from the doorway of his office. The guy that talked too much and for too long interrupted a lot of people while they spoke and I hated that about him. He reminded me of Chris Matthews from the political analyzing on television. I’ve listened to him cut people off in mid-sentence plenty of times and I am sure those sitting beside him got annoyed at him for that. One entire day later, I received a call from a few men and women from the Massachusetts State House telling me that they were going to correct those situations, all I needed to do was provide the exact street names and I did just what they asked of me. I am aware that these situations were not overnight cases and they required time. I was glad that the situation was addressed and quickly taken care of. I sat down and basked in the glory that something good happened after all of the visits to that location ended. I even participated in Deaf-Blind Awareness Day continuing to advocate for APS accessibility. Later that afternoon, I get a text from the guy that talks a lot saying how they never called or took down his information. He got “hot potato-ed” instead and we all knew the reason why and that was because he didn’t get to the point with his request. If I ever make an appearance to the Massachusetts State House, it had to be serious and important. Once I had access to the person I need to speak to, I get my message across the board with all valid reasoning and then I leave once a discussion is had and an agreement is made. I hate wasting time.

I was not sure how to feel about actually having something done in a short time frame. I was surprised that it happened. I was expecting the typical turn away tactic they use regarding money issues. I was also prepared to make their dismissal of that important request difficult as well. I am always ready for any outcome that goes against something I feel is appropriate. With all of the viable reasoning that was provided, there was no way they could turn my request down. Little do they know that I would be leaving the state soon right after all of this is over, our future street crossers with all kinds of disabilities would be able to cross a street at last.

 As I plan for a return to the Twin Cities, I think of all the good things I could go back to at last. I am limited to a lot of things. In Minnesota, I can access a lot of my surroundings. I could go wherever I want without needing to ask someone for a lift or report to anyone. I feel like it has become a rather arduous task to be booking transportation to different towns in Boston. It is annoying. I am going to work incredibly hard to the point where I could hire a personal driver. I usually accomplish all of the goals that I set out. I am realistic about those goals. I understand that they are not overnight happenings and that everything good requires hard work and time. I will be living in Minneapolis where all of the buses and trains are available to me, I would be accessing any and everything that I need from that point on. My stress levels will go away and I won’t get stress headaches because I get freaked out about the way transit systems work.

Living in Boston for me has become a physical hazard whenever the thought of transportation and crossing streets come into the scene. I have experienced some of both cities and I like the other city better for the sake of access and resources. I also feel like it has been long over due for a change in space and scenery for myself. As I arrange myself for a permanent transition to Minnesota, I can almost feel the relief that I can go back to again.

No offense to my friends and family in Boston, Massachusetts but you’ve got to understand that my world and yours will never be the same. I am a deaf/blind woman living among a large sited and hearing population and I have to make changes if I want them badly. Massachusetts has been a great source of education for me during my academic career but Minnesota will officially be the best fit for me. Should you wish to see me, get on an aircraft and come find me in south east Minneapolis. You’re more than welcome to come see me.